2009
Jan/100
Maybe I had a little too much to drink but it’s the morning, I should be hungover..but I can’t be, I’m still drinking after all. Hey, it helps me to be honest. It’s staggering how numb my whole body feels yet my brain can still command my fingers to talk for me. You’re about to step in my consciousness, good for you.. I’m not even invited. Forgive the English, I often forgive yours.
If you don’t understand me, I forgive that too.
Growing up I’ve always dreamed of having my very own Gundam, a mecha I’d climb into and cause havoc and change the world as I see fit. You see, while I was a big fan of Superman as he was my favorite superhero and all, that doesn’t necessarily mean I wanted him to win. No, I wanted to be Lex Luthor. I was in the team of the man who was up against an impossible foe; if Lex could kill Superman (which he did, inevitably), then he could do anything.
You’re no different from me, you’re self righteous in your own respect.
Dear friend as I write this to you I’m wearing the shades I bought two months back, because that’s what I regard myself lately –still intoxicated from the last drop of alcohol and swelled in bullshit that outlasted my teenage years.
I want to tell you about my greatest bracket in time. The shades have been with me for a while now but I feel like I’ve worn them since the year started. I never want to take them off. My old life was over; I was no longer the person I had been.
2009 was epic. I woke up one fine evening, looked outside my window to see a pale dying sunset and knew … (well I wasn’t really going anywhere with this but..) knew… nothing of the night before (heh).
In 2009 I could have been a successful millionaire –twice, on one account because of a stroke of genius and the latter with thanks to the local gambling institution. Not out of lack of assertiveness, but rather the guts to risk what I had now for something that could entirely change the balance of both my bank accounts and more importantly, the course of my life. As a result, I doubted my safety net. As I continue to reside within it I seem to be perpetual…. to going nowhere.
The year also saw a love of my life in passing (no she’s not dead, srsly). Many teachings abound here. It reminded me to cherish moments as they pass; seemingly as moments seem to be the only frames in time that happen only once. Totally shook the foundations of how I saw relationships unfold; from very hot to extremely cold. There were challenges in keeping up with one another, as far as the quote goes –“Two entities embodied in one”, yet their very characters able to develop into entirely new people. I have an impenetrable, unbreakable stance all in all; love and all it’s cooked up to be. You give it everything, expecting to lose just as much.
It’s weird, whenever you let something go, whatever it is, it changes you. I may have been two-three-five-six people in the past because of those I had to part with. It makes you think how much circumstance shapes your life even in a moment when you think you’re perfectly fine with the universe. To dwell on this further is to ponder on a deity’s high order of fate inevitably leaving you to question your power on changing your own destiny.
I also had a lot of encounters with responsibility this year, a word I’m not really associated with at all. Free will is all that I have, beyond that is someone else’s problem; that honeymoon ended abruptly. It’s downright wrong to say I’ve changed this year, more accurately… the year has changed me.
I’m easy to please but not keen to pleasing other people. 2009 had me fighting, it had me wanting to rip people apart. Anger is my definite weakness, it triggers an overreaction of sorts within me. To this day I have not yet found a way to sedate myself. I’ve always fought and fought hard I did for the things I stood up for and cared about. Rarely, I would defend the layer of dead skin I call a reputation, which personally was always in vain. I don’t really give a fuck what others think and are saying of me, just as long as it’s the truth. Yes, I will flail, flurry and gut you for speaking on a tongue of lies and my name on the same sentence.
Originally I had more to share, but the alcohol is wearing off and so is my memory. It’s a shame!
In its entirety, I haven’t gotten a lot of things right and I’m still making mistakes. 2009 was the greatest collection of fall outs and peaks; I’ve touched ground and heaven in such a while. Levels were set and paths …..rerouted.
2009 had me holding hands with happiness and drinking with destiny.
..but right now I’m still hungover.
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Out of 100,000 sperm..
Aug/090
..I really believe I was the most clever. I just demoralized the morons for possible impotence.