Letters we tuck into drawers and never send; a universal letter to lovers
Sep/090
There is a heartwrenching listless feeling that comes and you wander through the day, half of a person. I feel like every time I love someone I give them a part of myself and when things end, I hobble around for a while, missing limbs or an eye, a victim in the the long war we call love. – Anais Escobar
The secret of the butterfly
Aug/090
I ran into this story through stumbling today and it can’t be any truer.
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day he saw a small opening in the cocoon. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further… so, the man decided to help the butterfly.
He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But, it had a swollen body, and small shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly, because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.
What he had done in his well intentioned kindness and haste and what he did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been, and we could never fly.
Of heartbreaks and bad aches
Aug/092
I’ve had the worst, I know because the pain was unbearable. This is for anyone who has been and who is going through the same hell I walked with an open, bleeding chest.
There were days that were totally shut of life because of thoughts of how insignificant a day was without her. It was only right that losing the person who brought out the best out of me had also introduced me to my worst. This was good. It taught me a lot of lessons. Being engulfed in love sometimes means you immerse yourself into their lives so much that every disappointment breaks and tears you apart.
How I got back together and set my life straight was life changing and I might have some to impart for anyone interested in reading further.
For the longest time, I mourned and in that time there was a balance of how I managed the loneliness. I mourned with friends, who would tirelessly hear me out and share their insight. It felt different when you’re fed a realization because you always digest it late. We mourned in different places and odd times –until when bars closed, the sun rose and when intoxication just sedated us all. That was the easy part, having a support group and being accomodated to be heard. More importantly, I had my time alone, to which my calmness of the matter was against me. The time with myself started something, it was like I was being rebuilt. I could have counted on my friends to be there for me when I needed them, but I also understood that not unless I find the serenity within myself will the misery end.
I stepped on the scorchy walks of sadness because it was only right that you let the pain come and be processed. This is one manifestation of love; a heartbreak. It’s where you feel both mental and physical pressure, it’s where the love you gave is finally measured, when it hurts more, you love more. Feel like shit, be like shit, it is only right. When you gave everything and fell, you also agreed that when whatever holding you up disappears, you hit the ground just as hard as you jumped.
After sometime, I had forgiven myself and stopped the blame game. You have to forgive that it takes two to start and it will also take two to end. Stop blaming yourself or the other party. There’s never just one wrong end, isn’t that right? Forgiveness and blaming go hand in hand, you have to forgive because you need a clean slate and that will stop the blames, you need to stop blaming or you’ll never have that slate clean enough to forgive. Forgive and stop the blames on yourself first then on the other. If you don’t forgive yourself first, you’ll end up taking what forgiveness you offer for granted.
Just like love, you can’t give what you don’t have for yourself. There’s no other way to rise up if you carry the burden of the cause and effect.
Acceptance came. When the bitterness turns bland, it’ll make more sense. There is a point where your questions are answered, for those left… doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I’ve accepted that I couldn’t swim in sadness and mourn forever. Matters that needed forgiving, have been forgiven and sincerely. I grabbed ahold of myself and forcibly, moved.. I was in a phase of my life where there was no progression and I’d be damned if I was stuck there indefinitely.
Then when it’s all done, you get stronger. I got a new mindset to which I saw things very differently. I was filled with solace and understanding. What I wanted in someone significantly changed, all those things that I wanted but sacrificed to be with her, I knew I deeply wanted for the next. It’s cynical how I mentioned that but it really does matter to me. It’s important that you know what you want initially, but even though, when you do fall in another time, these qualifications won’t matter anymore and you’ll just be swept off your feet… again.
We only live for seventy to eighty years on average, one third of that is slept. I wasn’t going to spend one more minute asking myself a long list of “what ifs”. There is beauty above all of this which made me happy. Love really… never dies. I can honestly tell her without blinking that a part of my heart will always be with her, the difference is the gap in the pace of our lives.
I cannot stop loving someone I’ve ever written a letter sealed with a kiss to. No regrets being with her; I’d do it all over again. To this day, I still love, even in silence and lives apart. Simply put, I just have learned to do without her.
If you can’t take my word for it, just hold on to these three words for now… “life goes on”.