It never occurred to be because it wasn’t in relation to something I could imagine and realize.

I’ve been working professionally for a year now and just like anyone new to this world I’m always wondering what it would be like to have a matured career. To lead the same people in my position. I guess like any other thing that ages, you tend to care less about the ideas that you started off only in a dream. My dream’s always going to be leading my own computer company.

With that, comes my realization of becoming that same leader someday. I had my day dreams of doing my own developer conferences and being the face of a cult too. Eventually you slow down at some point and look on to other things. That’s a sure reason that as children, we were pure and made of innocence being that of looking at things a lot simpler than they seem to us now. We’ve seem to have stopped at some point that killed our passion for really wanting it; that dream. The day has broken into both the harsh and not so harsh reality of life, all depending how you interpret it:

The reality that of which is that.. if you really want something.. it can be done..but all in time.

So as someone in the IT industry, if I could and have imagined to lead the same people I work with, maybe I could have applied the thought to our local government. I never saw the government in the way of an organization, but only of scattered entities and only of some should I worry about. I never saw it as the same as the very system I was in.

I’ve always wondered why people in the government are often referred to as highly. Had I not realized the possible responsibilities it takes to run a company, I would have never accepted even the soundest of reasons. To run a company distinguishes the most competent of brewed, refined and soiled minds of institution; what more a whole country?

The church will always want for its say in the land. Business ethics don’t entirely appeal to the pious and therefore will do their best into pursuing government approval for only their own interest. Although, as someone who is God fearing and business minded, I do not believe in a separation of state and church, but rather a harmony of the two. Whether there’s little church to go around as long as the democracy of those happy with the way things should be are followed, the idea is fine by me.

So in grand entrance, I’ve realized my share in the organization of the Philippines. As a citizen, as a taxpayer and as a future businessman. It should matter to me that my business, from personal to financial  is in priority. Having not pursued a career in the government, I have to leave it to honest men and women that make up and enforce the business bylaws of the land, that I live in; also that of which some I own. That organization is called the Philippines and I am a representative.

I should have registered to vote and maybe then I would have been looking for people that believe in the same thing I do. Then the world all seems more right for me. I didn’t know I would eventually care about the same things I used to take for granted. When life finally mattered to me; when the world did, everything was fine.

I’ve been in disconnection.

I should have been an astronaut.

How loud you fuck til’ heaven’s dawn,

Sweep the whole singles red;

Your insecurities pierce through,

Every single naked passion spent

You’ve drank loneliness like vodka,

For all the wrong purposes but not misled,

Thinking your poison be a panacea

You might get it right tomorrow;

Sober up in your drunk sorrow

Laugh now while young,

Only those who will not regret it,

Them who’ve tasted your tongue

That is now of acid and forever lasts,

Of your short lived pasts

The sweet gamble of uncertainty,

Maybe your is life’s odyssey

Innocence is where the story left of,

To a sad and miserable phase,

I wrote this for you

I’ve easily succumbed myself to suffering. This desire engulfed me with pain.

I’ve been put to compromise and unrest until I get what I want. It has always been this way for me. I have never considered other factors that might calm the situation, like weighing how this could set off my happiness if left unfulfilled. Desire isn’t a bullet you could dodge.

Through meditation I have played outcomes of two scenarios: I get the headphones and I am happy. Being human, it doesn’t last very long. There’s always going to be something else, something greater to want. The other scenario is if I don’t get it which I’ll just continue onto desire. Whether or I get it or not, I am put to unrest either way.

While not a scenario by itself, there is a solution –to let go. Unstringing myself from desire ultimately frees me from being troubled by any outcome. It seems to be a discipline by itself. Easier said than done, especially when you are put in a state of denial of not wanting. How do you clear your heart and mind of human burdens?

Letting go seems to be a powerful habit. Being able to overcome desire and avoid pain. It’s almost divine. It paves a way to contentment, which is to me is happiness without effort. Life is bundled with a lot of shit but never more than you can take.

A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day he saw a small opening in the cocoon. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further… so, the man decided to help the butterfly.

He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But, it had a swollen body, and small shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly, because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.

What he had done in his well intentioned kindness and haste and what he did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If nature allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been, and we could never fly.

There were days that were totally shut of life because of thoughts of how insignificant a day was without her. It was only right that losing the person who brought out the best out of me had also introduced me to my worst. This was good. It taught me a lot of lessons. Being engulfed in love sometimes means you immerse yourself into their lives so much that every disappointment breaks and tears you apart.

How I got back together and set my life straight was life changing and I might have some to impart for anyone interested in reading further.

For the longest time, I mourned and in that time there was a balance of how I managed the loneliness. I mourned with friends, who would tirelessly hear me out and share their insight. It felt different when you’re fed a realization because you always digest it late. We mourned in different places and odd times –until when bars closed, the sun rose and when intoxication just sedated us all. That was the easy part, having a support group and being accomodated to be heard. More importantly, I had my time alone, to which my calmness of the matter was against me. The time with myself started something, it was like I was being rebuilt. I could have counted on my friends to be there for me when I needed them, but I also understood that not unless I find the serenity within myself will the misery end.

I stepped on the scorchy walks of sadness because it was only right that you let the pain come and be processed. This is one manifestation of love; a heartbreak. It’s where you feel both mental and physical pressure, it’s where the love you gave is finally measured, when it hurts more, you love more. Feel like shit, be like shit, it is only right. When you gave everything and fell, you also agreed that when whatever holding you up disappears, you hit the ground just as hard as you jumped.

After sometime, I had forgiven myself and stopped the blame game. You have to forgive that it takes two to start and it will also take two to end. Stop blaming yourself or the other party. There’s never just one wrong end, isn’t that right? Forgiveness and blaming go hand in hand, you have to forgive because you need a clean slate and that will stop the blames, you need to stop blaming or you’ll never have that slate clean enough to forgive. Forgive and stop the blames on yourself first then on the other. If you don’t forgive yourself first, you’ll end up taking what forgiveness you offer for granted.

Just like love, you can’t give what you don’t have for yourself. There’s no other way to rise up if you carry the burden of the cause and effect.

Acceptance came. When the bitterness turns bland, it’ll make more sense. There is a point where your questions are answered, for those left… doesn’t seem to matter anymore. I’ve accepted that I couldn’t swim in sadness and mourn forever. Matters that needed forgiving, have been forgiven and sincerely. I grabbed ahold of myself and forcibly, moved.. I was in a phase of my life where there was no progression and I’d be damned if I was stuck there indefinitely.

Then when it’s all done, you get stronger. I got a new mindset to which I saw things very differently. I was filled with solace and understanding. What I wanted in someone significantly changed, all those things that I wanted but sacrificed to be with her, I knew I deeply wanted for the next. It’s cynical how I mentioned that but it really does matter to me. It’s important that you know what you want initially, but even though, when you do fall in another time, these qualifications won’t matter anymore and you’ll just be swept off your feet… again.

We only live for seventy to eighty years on average, one third of that is slept. I wasn’t going to spend one more minute asking myself a long list of “what ifs”. There is beauty above all of this which made me happy. Love really… never dies. I can honestly tell her without blinking that a part of my heart will always be with her, the difference is the gap in the pace of our lives.

I cannot stop loving someone I’ve ever written a letter sealed with a kiss to. No regrets being with her; I’d do it all over again. To this day, I still love, even in silence and lives apart. Simply put, I just have learned to do without her.

If you can’t take my word for it, just hold on to these three words for now… “life goes on”.