DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A HIGHLY OFFENSIVE POST, I WROTE THIS UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF INSOMNIA AND NATURAL HIGHS THAT FOLLOW. PLEASE TAKE THE OBVIOUSLY VULGAR PARTS WITH TONGUE-IN-CHEEK. IF IT OFFENDS YOU AND SPITES YOU WITH ANGER AGAINST ME, BETTER FUCKING BITE THAT TONGUE OFF BECAUSE I’M ON A ROLL, BITCH.

If there’s one complaint I hear too often and which I’m downright furious about is “Windows memory hogging”. If you’re confident that you’re leaning into the more techy side of things, I would recommend that you do a search engine for this topic because honestly I’m really going to dumb it down just to please the lowest end of the intellectual chain. Still here? Alright dumbass let me spit some insight to your rotting shitbowl of a brain.

Have you ever tried the elliptical cardiovascular trainer? It looks something like this:

Let me make a quick assumption that cardio is the most boring type of workout possible. No one likes the routine of repeatedly doing the same damn thing in the course of an hour or so, this leads to the conclusion that you want to get to fat burning as fast as you downed your last piece of mud pie. You aim for performance. Recently I realized a “cheat” to the machine, I can opt to let my arms rest in the non-moving bars in the middle for the rest of the workout. Therefore leaving my arms to do nothing; effectively not getting the most out of my time because I got lazy.

Generally, you’d want your computer to be performing at it’s best when you need it to. Let’s set aside green/power saving features as we’re currently focusing on the time you’re actively using it. People have fucked up misconceptions on how memory should be utilized, this is drawn from a very bad imagination that main memory like your secondary memory (hard drives) should avoid being “filled up”. This is only true for the latter as secondary memory often needs defragmenting for optimization. Shit did that bleed you out a bit? I meant don’t porn up your hard drives because the more pious files are finding it more difficult to squeeze in between. Okay fine, just maintain 15-20% free space and run a defragmenter from time to time.

See how I epicly got off topic there? I might end up explaining the whole fucking universe before I get to you, but I am your friend and I understand you’re stupid so I am here to inform!

As I obscenely stated, remove that misconception that main memory should be running as conservatively as your hard drives. Let me visualize it to someone you can relate to… main memory is just like you, or your bestfriend…possibly your mom or dad before they even thought (or lack of) when they conceived you.. YES, main memory is a drug junkie. A different kind of drug junkie. Main memory gets high on electricity, without it… it forgets everything that happened, like a bad hangover except it’s dead. Like a true blue on speed, it can run like a motherfucker too. It can do operations within itself in a fragment of a second.

Let’s say your applications are your heroine, cocaine, marijuana, whateverthefuck.. main memory’s job is to store that for your convenient smoking, snorting or anal insertion needs. So whenever you run anything in your computer, it is passed from the memory it currently is residing on (your hard drives, etc.) to main memory where it is ran by the all great processor.

If it’s still not making sense to you, at this point you should know that main memory is your wrapper, without it.. you can’t smoke your fine shit! Now that you know what it does, let’s go back to the elliptical trainer so you can stop scratching your head on why I had to bring it up. Your resting arms are similar to poor memory utilization. Again, aiming for performance, you should consider doing as much as possible in little time, therefore you INCREASE PRODUCTIVITY. Before Vista, memory is only to be used when an application is running which is pretty logical considering it needs to be in memory to be able to run in the first place.

This poses a problem! Yes it does.

Applying what used to be ‘working’ which is the process of only using memory when it is needed results in a large surplus of memory in today’s computers which are owned by morons who mindlessly add more and more without realizing their operating system isn’t utilizing it at all. This is the exact opposite of the ‘problem’ cited earlier when Windows apparently hogs all your memory.

I realized that I haven’t added anything vulgar for quite a few sentences now… so….. NOOOOOOOOOOO DUMBFUCK YOU GOT IT WRONG, BITCH! I still won’t tell you why Windows using up your memory isn’t a bad thing, no I’ll save it for the end.

First let us grasp the concept of caching. To understand caching, let me tell you about the small, tiny, itty bitty, microscopic memory that’s inside every processor. The level 1 & 2 caches! …moving ahead.. to explain that bit, imagine a library! In the library there is a librarian and in this current era, Harry Potter is still hot stuff. Now normally, the librarian would put the books under fiction as per the Dewey Decimal classification. There’s an exception though as these books are often read and borrowed therefore it only gives more work to the librarian to be pointing out or grabbing the books personally.

THERE IS A SOLUTION! A mini shelf for the librarian. In this case, the librarian is the processor. No matter how fast the librarian may be, if the data to be accessed is far away it would always take some time to retrieve. Therefore with the use of a nearby shelf, the frequently accessed information, in this case the Harry Potter books can be placed where they can easily be retrieved. The shelf is the cache, now is this making any sense to you already? GOOD, you dumbass.

Now back to high level stuff. At this point you should have already grasped the concept of what takes place when you run an application and as recently explained, caching. Let me reiterate: Wiindows XP and lower will only use memory when it needs to, That’s a gray area: It sounds good to you because it removes the intrusion feel that you’re not directly in charge of your computer’s resources.

Now… the question has already been answered if you read up, but Windows using up your memory isn’t a bad thing because of… CACHING TECHNOLOGIES! There’s something called Superfetch that takes note of the applications you use frequently and puts these items into memory automatically! What does that mean? The time spent moving the data from your hard drives to main memory is non-existent!

You might be thinking what happens when you launch an unfamiliar program that the memory could not accommodate … right? Well, that’s easy! Memory is so fast it can wipe all that data in no time. In fact it can wipe it faster than your monitor is able to display the free space. AMAZING!

Actually, all I really needed to tell you was Superfetch, but we both had a good run right?

In summary:

Don’t fucking complain that Windows is a memory hog because you don’t understand the process involved and what’s happening the background. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND..but now you do. Now you know that it’s a good thing…you can praise the good gods of technology for shining down on Microsoft for implementing such awesome shit so you can be productive, making the most out of your computer!

Oh how I love sounding like I’m paid for this!